DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
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So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Feel. He’s so soft.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Great Canadian literature.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
それは草
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.