Well, that should do it
You Might Also Like
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
multitasking lunch
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me