[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
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[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.