meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
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Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that