they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
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No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse