Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
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One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Just me?
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states