I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
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At Walmart during the holidays like..
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this