The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
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So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.