scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
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January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂