When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
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[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
going to office: late
going to a doctors appointment: late
going to a friends house: late
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.