[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
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I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Just grow your own
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me