*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
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coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline