[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
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I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.