Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
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My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
How actors in movies eat their food
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
The point of your 20s
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out