I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
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[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
You sure about that?
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly