“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
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A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
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THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
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Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
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Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.