I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
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[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
This a good idea
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Poetry is my passion
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.