Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

Eggs benadryl my favourite

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!

-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee

Me. I’m the person.

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”