Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
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Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
fixed it
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.