[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
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Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand