DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
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[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.