Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
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ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit