I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
You Might Also Like
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
when u come home smelling like another dog
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
So inspired right now.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.