@StellaGMaddox

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

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@Reverend_Scott

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

@joe_binkley

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

@zachreinert0

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

@CulturedRuffian

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

@careworn

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

@goldengateblond

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

@MonkeysMarch

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

@bocxtop

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence