[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
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*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.