I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
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Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
courtroom exchange of the day
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!