99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
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I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.