Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
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I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla