I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
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“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx