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what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
That time Alicia messaged me
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.