Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
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Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.