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“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
For the orator and chef in all of us
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.