I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
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People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping