I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
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NASA has no chill
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
I never needed anything more in my life
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*