I have questions??
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Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE