“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
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I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves