Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
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[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.