My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
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This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.