Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
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[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
is this a warning or an offer?
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
That was easy.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around