Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
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Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…