Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fourth time’s the charm

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

😁

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.

Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

pat pat

On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.