My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
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Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
How times have changed.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
A man of commitment.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that