IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
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My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.