Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
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You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
You learn something every day
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
People buying plungers never look happy.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
seems like a niche market
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo: