You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
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The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Body by Oreos
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Digital security in Ancient Troy
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive