Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
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my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears