Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
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Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Go hard or stay average
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Word!