[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
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[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins