“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
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911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Potatoes were such a good idea
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen