Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
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Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes