My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
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My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
so this horse walks into a bar
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
*gets down on one knee*
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Lunatics are gonna loon.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Succinctly put.