Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
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Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Those are good neighbors.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”